After 3 years of writing this here blog, I couldn’t remember if I had shared the details of this day.  As I was praying last night, I felt like it was time for me to write it all down.  While it isn’t a fun topic, it is a day in my history.  I want to remember, not to be sad or morbid, but to honor the life that was within me for 12 weeks and 4 days.

May 18, 2005

I was 12 weeks and 4 days along and was scheduled for my second OB appointment.  I had dropped the girls off at MDO and Jason and I headed to Nashville to go to my appointment.  We talked about hearing the heartbeat today and I said to him, “When we hear the heartbeat, we should be in the clear!”  I meant that it would mean I was almost done with my first trimester and could breathe a little easier.  I had experienced the normal preganancy feelings, nauseous, gagging at the site of chicken (this is actually something I have had every pregnancy!) and fatigue.  The last couple of weeks, though, it had waned and I was feeling somewhat better.  Little did I know….

I am blessed to have a godly, OB whom I adore.  He is an amazing man and very laid back, which I love.   Jason and I are in the little room and he comes in and we discuss the normal pregnancy stuff and I tell him I have felt better the past couple of weeks.  He gets the doppler out and starts looking for a heartbeat.  He runs the doppler all over my belly and presses really hard, but nothing.  NOTHING.  I remember knowing in those moments- this baby is gone.  My doctor lets us know that I need to go for an ultrasound to see how large the baby is and to try to find a heartbeat.  So, Jason and I leave his office and walk across the street to the radiologists office to  have my ultrasound.  I was shaking, clammy and had a million thoughts running through my head.  I remember thinking, we are about to walk a road I was not planning, I wasn’t expecting.  I wasn’t ready to walk this journey.  But, then again, who is ready to walk through a miscarriage?

We waited for over 30 minutes and my precious husband who just rubbed my hand the whole time, got up and asked for us to be seen.  We were waiting to confirm the loss of our pregnancy, not see if it was a boy or a girl.  I was anxious and on the verge.  I wanted to confirm we had lost the baby, but in the same thought, wanted to hold on a few more minutes of thinking this little life was inside me, growing and alive.

We are FINALLY taken back and the tech comes in and begins the ultrasound.  Jason continues to just hold my hand and rubbed it back and forth.  He is such a rock for me and has been for years before we married.  That history, brings me comfort and such joy.  I know how he will respond to me in these times. Not that our life has been marred by extreme tragedy, but I never doubt he will walk ahead of me in whatever we face, shielding me from as much pain and discomfort as he can.

After 2 babies, we are familiar with ultrasounds.  We had one every visit with Emery.  That knowledge clued us in very early that this baby did not have a hearbeat.   The baby was measuring at around 8 weeks and some odd days.  I remember in those moments, tears beginning to fall.  Silent tears, realizing that my feeling better was not the result of an easy pregnancy, but a loss of hormones, a loss of life.   They were very sensitive and gave Jason and I moments alone to process what was happening.

After the ultrasound, we had to go back to my Dr.’s office and they took us immediately to his office.  He walked in and I lost it.  I couldn’t hold my emotions in and he hugged Jason and I and prayed over us.  He prayed for us to bring honor to Jesus during this time, for our babies at home and any children we would have in the future.  In my mind, it was a sacred moment.  He let me know that I had probably lost the baby around 10 weeks.  He said it is more rare to lose a baby later in the first trimester, but it does happen, obviously.  He let us know that miscarriages are often the cause of massive genetic anomolies and the baby just stops developing.  He let me know that I had experienced a missed miscarriage, meaning my body did not take nature’s course and as as result I would have to have a DNC.   It wasn’t an option to wait due to the fear of infection setting in after so long a period of time.  Knowing I was about to have this procedure, knowing what it is, played heavily on my mind.  I kept thinking what are they going to do with the baby, the tissue that is our baby?  With many tears, I asked that question.  The thought of medical disposal seemed so harsh and uncaring and I couldn’t accept that in my mind.  He let me know it would be tested.  An answer of no answer.

At this point, we had to start making phone calls.  I called my sister to let her know and to send her to get the girls.  My mom was miraculously on her way from out of town.  We had to still be parents to our girls.  We had a couple of hours but I honestly can’t tell you what we did.  I have no recollection.  We finally made it to the surgical office.  Our pastor and Associate pastor were out of town.  Chris, Jason’s associate, was out of town, about to get married, but they all called.  They talked to us and prayed with us meant so much. Leslie, our friend and office manager at the church came to be with us, to sit with us.  They called me back and I had a few moments alone for the first time.  I prayed, asking God to give me strength, wisdom and healing.  My doctor came in and prayed with me again.  Then they gave me the sedative.

Then I woke up.

It felt like no time had passed except it had and what occurred in those moments were monumental.  I remember thinking.  I was pregnant, now I am not.  It felt like I was watching this happen to someone else.  I was ready to go home.

We drove and I was lying in the back seat.  I think my mom or Kim was there at this point.  We had to go by the church to pick up a vehicle and I remember there being a lot of cars because it was the MDO end of the year program, so of course people see us and I look A MESS, but it was okay.  Because it was real life.

We made it home and I finally got to eat.  And see my precious girls.  To explain why Mommy was lying on the couch.  To begin to heal.

I wish I had the luxury of a few days to recover but I didn’t.

We were leaving the next day for Chris and Dawn’s wedding in Knoxville and from there, a week at the beach.  I had to finish up packing and get ready for our family to be gone for a week.  My mom was a life saver, as was Jason.  I would have never have gone out in public 24 hours after a miscarriage if it wasn’t Chris and Dawn, our dear friends, getting married.  It was wierd, wondering if people knew or didn’t know.  Not sure how jovial and excited to act for our sweet friends, without dishonoring this loss I had just experienced.  But, people were gracious and kind to us, which isn’t a surprise.

The Lord then gave us a week at the beach to get our bearings, to be with our family, to spend time in my favorite place.  Such a reminder that His timing is perfect.  He gave me a week to work through my initial emotions in a place that relaxes and soothes me like no other.  I am forever grateful for that week.

Jason and I came to realize that we have led a blessed life.  We had not had much difficulty in our marriage, our families.  One of the lessons we learned from this loss was the question of “Why not us?”  instead of “Why us?”  Our godliness is not a direct correlation to the ease of our life.  We are not exempt from pain because we love Jesus.  We are not given a freebie on suffering because he is a pastor.   I am nothing apart from Christ. Period.  This was a huge testing for us to see, do we trust Him?  Really?

The first Sunday back we were in the middle school worhsip time and they were playing “Blessed Be Your Name.”  That song has a line that says, “You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name.”  I am so thankful I was standing with Jason because in that moment, I shed a tear, but I also gave my loss to Him, to use, to mold me, to refine me, to redeem.

Four years later, I think of that little life at times.  Ultimately, it was the loss of expectation, of wondering what that little life would be- a boy, a girl.  Would he or she favor me or Jason?  I still wonder….

But then, I also, look at my son.

My sweet, Bradley, who has brought such joy to me and I think, my loss led to this blessing.  This collection of DNA that is our precious son, Bradley.  I couldn’t have him, without the loss of that little one.  I don’t understand it.  I have no doubt my joy and love would be no less if that child had been born, but the reality is, he or she wasn’t.

So, I say thank you for the Sovereignty of God, the Magnificence of Him, the mystery of Him and know, one day, my fourth child, I will meet face to face.

I will be the first to admit that I can be a big scaredy cat.

I was traumatized by horror flicks in my early adolescence and it left me scarred! Much like Freddie Krueger, whom I would protect myself from at night by lining my bed with stuffed animals. Somehow, in my skewed, traumatized mind, they would protect me. I also went to bed at like 7:30 to make sure I was asleep before my parents went to bed. It was all in the name of self-preservation.

I remember wearing make-up for the first time, in sixth grade. My BFF’s Angela and Melissa got all gussied up to go see a movie. Never mind that her parents were taking us. We were smokin, I tell you, with our blue eyeshadow and Big Bangs. Fast Forward about an hour. I started crying during the previews. Seriously, I was hysterical.

I ended up watching Splash with Melissa’s dad in the theater next door.

Pitiful.

Don’t get me started on my friend’s 8th grade sleepover. The Exorcist was the movie of the night.
I was in way over my head.

I totally just revisited my tortured mind of middle school with you and I am now remembering why.

I slept on the couch the last two nights.

No, my marriage is not on the rocks, or hurting.

In fact, because my hubs has been out of town the last two nights, I couldn’t sleep. In my bed.

Our current bedroom, without a bathroom or closet, is on the opposite side of the house, as the kids. So, I had run through all the scenarios of what would I do if….fire, break in, Freddie Krueger came and I convinced myself that running out the back door and breaking in the kids windows was not the best option for a good outcome of any of the above.

But, I did try to convince myself that I was a big scaredy cat and nothing was going to happen. I started in my bed both nights and it lasted about 5 minutes. Then, while on the couch, I heard all kinds of weird noises and needless to say, i got about 10 hours sleep combined.

Isn’t it crazy how our minds can play havoc with us? Create tension, drama, fear, where none exists? Here is a verse I have used to calm myself many a lonely night and have also taught the girls.

Psalm 91: 5

You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

(really all of Psalm 91)

I just downloaded 392 photos from our camera. They are only from the month of May! I am going to share some pics from all the many activities we had in May! But, to save us all a little bit of sanity, I am going to break it up into 2 parts!

SOCCER MATCH
This is Emery’s first time to play and it has been pretty good!
She shows some potential, but usually once a game asks to come out or has a
minor breakdown. Not totally sure what to do with her sometimes!

MOTHER’S DAY SHRIMP BOIL
My parents came in town for Mother’s Day and we decided to stay home and have a
good ole southern Shrimp Boil. It is so yummy and easy!
Jason is getting really good at cooking this dish!

The cousins playing in the yard

How amazing does that look??

BRIDGING TO BROWNIES
Parker was in a daisy troop at school and she bridged to Brownies.
It is really a great chance for her to continue to get to know her friends at
school and she enjoys it!
Parker and Ms. Kimberly

RIDING IN MY CAR
This is just funny to me! Bradley riding in a Barbie Jeep, wearing a
Princess helmet! Poor guy.
Jason has informed me that it is time to buy more gender neutral gear!

THE BIG PINK CAST
This was her the night it happened. At least she matches!

We go back next week and are praying it comes off for good!

School Consignment Sale
The school has a sale the last week of school and I was able to get a lot of clothes for
the girls. Some still had the tags on it! I got GAP stain shield pants, brand new, for $2!
So fun!

My Models (also my new short do in the background)

The girls jumping up and down! Emery was so excited to put on some new duds!

PARKER’S KINDERGARTEN GRADUATION
They focus a lot on the Fruit of the Spirit in Kindergarten at Parker’s school.
Their shirts say Got Fruit? on the front and Galatians 5:22-23 on the back.
She held the sign for love, as they sang a song about the Fruit of the Spirit.

My little Graduate!

Parker and her teacher, Mrs. B
She was such a blessing to Parker and our family this past year.
She is truly an amazing woman of God and a great teacher!

Some of her cronies!

We had a lot of milestones this past month. I am so thankful for each one.

I, like many of you, am in the throes of all kinds of end of the school year craziness!! Our calendar is full, as is my heart.

In a week, I have a first grader and a Kindergartener.

Where did the time go?

This seems to be the question that we moms ask fairly often, for various reasons.

For instance, how is it that church started 5 minutes ago and I am still getting the kids dressed?

Or, when you are packing for a trip and it seems like 10 minutes later, you are packing to come home?

I am not an overly sentimental person. I don’t hold a baby and want another one. I throw any craft that comes home with glitter IN THE TRASH. I take pictures, but most of them are stored on my computer!

But, I feel like God is leading me to stop and just absorb my kids right now. Actually, the Holy Spirit is convicting me to relax and play with the kids. He is urging me to cook with them, do crafts with them, read books and devotionals, have somewhat of a schedule of activities for the summer and just breath. I want them to remember the summers, as a child, with amazing memories. To remember time spent as a family, having fun and being together. For so long, I have been in baby mode, nursing mode, pregnant mode and I am so thankful for this phase of our family. To be where we are, still with young kids, but not planning life around 2 naps!!

I want to do this because I don’t want to hear some cheesy, sappy country music song one day describing how time goes by and missing those young years with your kids and think to myself…that is me. I let time get away from me and there is nothing I can do to get it back.

My plan is to make a list of activities we can do this summer. It will range from picking out a recipe, shopping for it and making it, to going to the zoo. I am going to attempt to have some crafty things planned and some structured learning/reading time. I am also going to have some family guidelines and scripture memorization for each week. I am going to move out of my comfort zone of mommying to actually being more diligent in scheduling certain activities.

So, what are some ways you are going to enjoy your kids this summer.

I was looking at my posts and noticing that I have been slacking lately. We have had a lot going on, like always, but I have been in a blogging slump! I have had several posts swirling in my head, but have not made the time to write them down. SO, you may get several posts in a row, over the next few days!
So, here are a few things that have been on my mind:
1. That famous talk show host who is hosting a New Age class.

18For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 19For it is written:
“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”^[a]

20Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe.” 1 Corinthians 1:18-21

2. The aforementioned birds in my door bucket: I am all for new life, but I am ready for these little ones to fly on to the wide, blue yonder! As many of us know, birds are not potty trained. So, I have bird droppings on my door, on my porch… I have swept up what I can, but fear of being attacked by a mommy bird has hindered by cleaning spree. I think, for the sake of germs, my Southern Living Door Bucket will have to be thrown away. And, I am a little bitter!

3. My children are not what you would call the adventurous type! Too be specific, who knew that going to eat at a Japanese Steakhouse, would cause SHEER TERROR for Emery and Bradley. We went for my niece’s birthday and from the first sight of steam, it went downhill. Uncontrollable crying, fetal position and having to leave the restaurant were just a few of the highlights from our evening. Jason had to reheat his meal and the kids had yogurt and fruit when we got home. It was fabulous! (insert sarcasm)

4. Grandparent’s Day- Nana and Lulu came for Parker’s G-parent’s Day at her school. I heard it was precious, but parent’s were not able to go, for space reasons. Parker was so excited because she got to hold up a sign with LOVE on it. Her class sang a song of the Fruit of the Spirit. So fun!

5. Jason has been released from the doctor to resume normal activity. He has basically accomplished in 3 months what takes most people 6-9 months. He now has to continue to strengthen his Achilles. He can start running in about 3 weeks. I am thrilled for him. He is thrilled because he missed NO GOLF due to his injury.

6. Idol Gives Back: Some images are just meant to be seared into your mind. No getting around it. If as believers, we are not stirred by the sight of the poor and the orphans, we are not in tune with the heart of God. Jason and I are planning on going to Africa in the next year and I can not wait to go.

7. Jason won our family NCAA Bracket. I am sure he would be severely disturbed if he had not won. My goal next year is to crush him!

8. I have started running. Kinda. Sorta. I am up to 2 miles with a mini walk in the middle. I still like doing the classes at the Y like kickboxing, group power lift and the occasional zumba. I like spin too, but it has not aligned with my schedule.

9. Emery got into school. We are going back to the same school next year. God has made it very clear where our girls are supposed to be at this time.

10. I leave for New York, New York on Wednesday!!!!! So excited! We are going to see the Martha Show and Mamma Mia. We are going to eat at Mesa’s.

After that, a tour of the city lights, Chinatown and as much shopping as possible!!

Well, that sums up a lot of what has been going on!! Riveting, my life!!

There is a tradition in my family it seems.

Animals like to find refuge in our door decorations.

It began with my mom a few years back. She used fresh apples in her Christmas Wreath. One night, a possum or opposum, if you do not live in the south, decided to feast on her lovely wreath. I was on the phone with mom when it happened and I have never heard such a ruckus!

Today, Jason noticed something not quite right about our door bucket.

It hatched a bird, who has laid two eggs!

Here are a few lessons we can all learn from this little birdy:

1. Always think outside the box when hunting for a solution to your problem.
2. Items can often have more than one purpose.
3. When facing the elements, look for high ground that is covered.
4. Mommy’s will always think of the safety of their kids, first, no matter who or what, stands in their way!
5. One man’s door bucket, is another man’s home!!!
6. Purchase new greenery each year, if it has been used in the great outdoors!

That little mommy bird is smart. She chose a much better spot than some old tree.

I am now scared to death I am going to harm those little eggs, opening and shutting the door!!

New life, don’t you love it??

My boy, Bradley, turns two in about 2 weeks and I am just about beside myself. I can’t believe how fast this second year went! As my kids are getting older, I am more aware of the need to soak in each day and find praise in each stage they are in. I look at all the things Parker has mastered this year and think in a year, Emery, will be right there, as well. It makes my heart overflow at the sweet blessings God has given us.

Because this blog is mostly my way to record the life of my family, here are some sweet sayings I have heard recently.
Bradley until this past week, would not say Parker’s name. He would just call her EMM-A, in this deep gutteral voice! He has finally started calling her DARKER. Too Funny.
After one episode of calling her Darker, Emery responds:

We have had a fun weekend! The girls went to stay with LuLu and had a fabulous time. They left on Friday and we were able to go eat a late lunch and to see, Vantage Point. The film was shown from several different perspectives, so you saw the same set of events about 4-5 times. It was different, but we still enjoyed it! After we picked Bradley up from Ms. Kathy, we met up with Chris and Dawn and went to eat at Red Robin. It was so yummy!

Saturday was a day for Basketball, more importantly, UT Vols Basketball. They were playing #1 Memphis Tigers. I have shared what huge sports fans we are, but nothing beats UT Basketball for my hubs. So, in honor of the “biggest game in the history of UT Basketball,” we had a few friends over. I couldn’t resist adding some appropriate decor!
I used orange jelly beans, orange slices (or pure sugar tinted orange), oranges and random decor that we have in Bradley’s room. Needless to say, we are now the #1 ranked team in the Nation!

While I was getting things ready on Saturday, I noticed something on my fridge that made me cackle out loud! See if you notice what it is from the picture:

This is Marta, our child through Compassion. Evidently, one of the girls thought she needed a little color in her clothing and added to her outfit! This truly made my day and still makes me laugh!

Sunday was a great day. We had 7 families here for our small group and it went well. I am excited to see how God works over the next few weeks to form our group. The girls also came home and we love having the fam back!

Life is never dull around here!

Tonight is the last night of a 3 day event at our church called the Sacred Gathering. It has been a focused time of prayer, worship and fasting. We held the same event 4 years ago soon after we arrived at FBC and it has been as incredible now as it was then! I did not come into this event praying and seeking the Lord about anything specific, I just wanted to seek HIM.

He has not failed to show areas of my life that are sinful. This is never a fun process- to wrestle with God over areas of disobedience or complacency, yet He always leaves a mark that leaves us unchanged. I am forever grateful and in awe of His tenacious pursuit of holiness for my life and for His church.

He has also not failed to encourage my heart in His Greatness and Love.

I have many things swirling in my mind and heart that I am still processing and seeking how they will be lived out daily for me. I do know some involve more specific prayer and a return to some spiritual disciplines that I have grown lax in.

I read this verse yesterday and it just poured over me and I hope that it does the same for you.

Read more about the SG at our staff blogs- Jason and Pat